Jackie Selebi to be diagnosed with slow but fatal Shaik Syndrome
JOHANNESBURG. Doctors attending former top cop Jackie Selebi say they are just hours away from confirming that he is suffering from the same slow-acting fatal disease that struck down Schabir Shaik and left him unable to do anything but drive his BMW around Durban, smoke Cuban cigars and lie next to his pool.
Moments after being sentenced to 15 years in prison, Selebi dabbed at his forehead with a hanky and told aides that he was feeling “as if he might have some sort of fatal collapse at any moment in the next 20 years”.
He was immediately rushed to the Manto Tshabalala-Msimang Memorial Hospital in central Johannesburg where doctors diagnosed him with a variety of terrifying ailments.
According to medical team leader, Dr Spock Zulu, initial tests proved that Selebi had advanced rheumatoid larceny, congenital mendacious warts on his shrivelled ethical cortex, spasmodic hypertension of the kleptomania glands, as well as Lying Dickhead Syndrome, or LDS.
“We see this a lot in government,” said Dr Zulu. “When large amounts of money combine with tiny amounts of accountability, the victim can transform from a mediocre bureaucrat into a Lying Dickhead.”
But, he said, none of these symptoms would earn Selebi a medical parole.
“You only get out of jail for two reasons,” he explained. “Either you’re flatlining, or President Zuma has got you on speed-dial.”
However, he said, it was still possible that Selebi could be diagnosed with Shaik Syndrome, as long as he switched allegiance from Thabo Mbeki to Zuma.
“We still don’t fully understand the medical science behind Shaik Syndrome, but we are all too familiar with the horrifying symptoms: the slow bloating triggered by donuts and sorbet; the paralysing ennui of discovering that the Tevo didn’t record the latest Idols auditions; and then the final, desperately sad decline into old age and death in between ten and fifty years.”
Meanwhile, Selebi’s brother says he stands by his assertion that sentencing judge, Meyer Joffe, is an “apartheid judge”, presiding over an “apartheid court”, and enforcing the “imperial West’s” Roman-Dutch legal system.
“Apartheid apartheid apartheid,” squealed Suleiman Selebi when questioned by journalists. “Apartheid, plus apartheid, and because apartheid, we apartheid apartheid with apartheid and whether or not apartheid apartheid, we apartheid apartheid apartheid.”
This morning a spokesman from the Ministry of Justice asked Suleiman to “silence the noises in his head for five minutes” and to “listen very carefully.”
“Dude, I’m only going to say this once,” said spokesman Articles Tsotsobe. “The judges are appointed by your government. Your. Government.
“And as for imperialist Western Roman-Dutch law, you might want to ask your bra why he committed his life to policing that legal system. Although turns out he wasn’t so committed, was he?”