Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
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Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
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Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
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An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'